The Spell Block Tango, Remixed

Recently I saw a video making it’s way around the internets of Disney villains singing a Disney-fied version of Chicago’s Cell Block Tango.

Um, yes please! I eagerly watched it and was thoroughly impressed by the singing, the costumes, make-up and overall production quality. The only thing I found to be lacking was the lyrics. Cruella killing Jasper and Horace? The Evil Queen hooking up with Doc? Ursula and Prince Eric? What Disney movies did they watch–if any?
You can see the original video here: 
In the spirit of Halloween and righting some wrongs, here are my lyrics to the Disney Spell Block Tango:
And now the six merry murderesses of the Captain Hook County Jail
In their rendition of ‘The Spell Block Tango’

They had it coming, they had it coming
They only had themselves to blame
If you’d have been there, if you’d have seen it
I betcha you would have done the same

(Cruella)

Dalmatians are all I wanted

A simple dog fur coat
I just love furs, I worship furs
Those little white rats are born spotless
Who knew? 

My henchmen failed me
My puppies escaped, ran away
I swear the rascals tried covering their tracks.
Mongrels 

So I stole some dogs

Tried to skin them for coats
I just worship furs…

They had it coming, they had it coming
They only had themselves to blame
If you’d have been there, if you’d have heard it
I betcha you would have done the same

(Evil Queen)

I was the fairest in the land
For years and years
No one could hold a candle to me

Then one day my mirror says to me

“Snow White is the fairest”
What am I supposed to do?
Let it go? Lose? No, not me.
Stepdaughter or not, I’d remain
The fairest of them all.

So I hired an assassin

He failed; some things you just gotta do yourself.
I took a corset, a poisoned comb 
But the little wench wouldn’t die
But an apple… So sweet.
She had it coming, she had it coming
She took a flower in its prime
And then she used it and she abused it
It was a murder but not a crime

(Maleficent)

I was fine, just fine
Then the royals treat me wrong?
Exclude me from the party?
I AM the party.

So I go anyway, gift in hand.

The ungrateful wretches don’t want my gift
No more crying baby, and they just turn their noses up.
Those ‘good’ fairies may have changed my curse
But the spindle always turns.

If you’d have been there, if you’d have seen it
I betcha you would have done the same

(Queen of Hearts)
She comes into my land

Destroys my property
Steals my food
Spreads discourse among my people…

But did you do it?
Uh uh: not guilty 

(Scar)

The second brother
Never head of the pride;
Mufasa won it all
Girls, glory, son 

Then I’m 3rd in line for the throne?

I have a following
They want ME to rule

So I set it up. 

Two birds, one stone
And a nice little cover story too.

But one came back

Took me by surprise
But the hyenas, they think
I’m in charge.

Well, I was in such a state of shock

I couldn’t stop the hyenas charging.

They had it coming, they had it coming
They had it coming all along
I didn’t do it, but if I done it
How could you tell me that I was wrong?

They had it coming, they had it coming
They had it coming all along
I didn’t do it, but if I done it
How could you tell me that I was wrong?

(Ursula)
I had a contract

Legal and binding
Her voice for human legs
All she had to do was make a prince
Fall in love.

The tramp almost won. 

But she who holds the scroll 
Makes the rules.
Then they killed my pets.
Whose to say what I did next?

The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum
The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum

They had it comin’, they had it comin’
They had it comin’ all along
‘Cause if they used us and they abused us
How could they tell us that we were wrong?

They had it coming, they had it coming
They only had themselves to blame
If you’d have been there, if you’d have seen it
I betcha you would have done the same.



There you have it. Less theatrics, but an obligingly correct story line. What Disney villain would you want to see singing the Cell Block Tango?

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